On receiving love by standing in our authenticity

Until you stop being who you think you need to be, and start being who you are… Who you know yourself to be… You will not know what it is to receive love.

All you will know is approval.

Early in life we learn how to get our needs met in our unique social and physical environments, and at our foundation we all want to be safe, and to be loved.

For the greater part of my life, I created a persona that I thought was best suited to receive love from the people around me. I played sports and listened to music that I didn’t have genuine interest in. I starved myself because I thought bodies of a certain size weren’t lovable. I stole clothes to dress the part. I pursued career goals that I thought were best suited to demonstrate how worthy I was. I tried to stamp out my spirituality, and my love for poetry and art.

Fortunately, this made me miserable. So miserable that I didn’t want to exist anymore. And finally, I hit rock bottom. And I understood that I needed to do something different.

So I decided to find out who the fuck I am. To explore what I was really interested in. To ask myself what it was that really mattered to me, and do something about it. And as I did, I began to stand inside of who I was. And when people embraced it… I experienced a deep healing, validation.

It felt whole. It felt real. Because the love and appreciation was directed at ME, not my egos warped rendering of “The Most Loveable Caili”.

It takes time, care, and effort to peel back the layers and discern what values, what dreams are really yours and what was given to you. But I can assure you…

Doing so is entirely worth it.